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Who among us doesn't want to have a healthy family? We all want to take
the best of what we learned growing up, discard what was negative, and
create something better for our children. As we all know, this is easier
said than done. We get married, have children, and find ourselves doing
and saying exactly the same things we swore we never would. It's as though
there is a tape set off in our heads, programmed for certain situations,
and out come the words. Even more mysterious can be the repetition of
patterns that can happen generation after generation, where one sibling
always seems to be the black sheep, where there is an unplanned pregnancy
of a very young daughter, where a father leaves his family or alcoholism
develops. What causes all of this to happen, and how can we change it. Family therapists have been studying these processes for decades, but
it's been difficult for families who aren't in therapy to get an
understanding of what might be going on in their particular situation.
Maggie Scarf, in her book Intimate Worlds: Life Inside the Family, gathers
together an incredible amount of information and presents it in a warm and
personal way, telling the stories of several families who are functioning
at varying levels of health. In the limited space we have here, I'd like
to present a overview of a few of the concepts presented, in the hopes
that they may be thought-provoking and helpful in understanding your own
family process. The basic idea is that those old issues which we do not confront and
resolve will inevitably resurface, and those issues that remain buried and
unconscious will resurface in ways that don't seem immediately connected.
Many times one person in a family will seem to carry all the symptoms. For
instance, all the kids will seem "fine" except for the one
"black sheep", who gets in trouble, uses drugs, or fails in
school. Or one spouse is alcoholic, and seems to be causing all the
trouble for the rest of the family. Families are intricately connected
systems, and if one person is hurting or showing symptoms, it is safe to
assume that everyone is affected. Sometimes, the other family members are
actually in more pain than the one who is the "squeaky wheel".
So, the basic principle is "the identified patient is rarely the only
one who is hurting, and is not the only one who needs help". Sometimes what's going is best described by a process known as
"projective identification". I know, the term like psychobabble,
but what it means will make sense. When we have parts of ourselves that
are very uncomfortable, or that feel like they're unacceptable, we may cut
ourselves off from them. What we tend to do next is find, or even create,
those parts in people around us. This is the chief mechanism by which the
old issues come back to haunt us. For example, if I was raised to believe
that anger was totally unacceptable, if I was even taught that "no,
you're not really angry, you're just ….", then I am not going to be
able to accept the feeling of anger in myself. But anger exists, like it
or not, and a frequent occurrence is that one of my family members will
end "holding" all the anger for the family. They will likely act
it out, in ways that are disruptive and impossible to ignore, until
finally the family is forced to confront the issue one way or another. The same process can happen with positive qualities, too. How many
young adult children, entering college or the workforce, feel an almost
tidal pull to go into a certain field because they are supposed to be
"the doctor", or "the smart one", or "the
successful one". Please realize that these processes happen all the
time to a small degree. It's when they become absolute and unconscious
that they cause trouble. Again, that which we don't deal with comes back
in some form to demand acknowledgment. One way to get in touch with your particular old family issues may be
is to draw a "family genogram". This is nothing more than a
family tree, but with special attention paid to the generational patterns
-- who was especially close to or distant from whom, who left the family
too soon or too early. Ask yourself where the family conflicts were, and
where the family skeletons are. Then ask yourself how those issues may be
duplicating themselves in the present. Another thought-provoker is to ask yourself a couple of questions --
what could be child do or be that would make me really uncomfortable? What
aspects of their personality actually do make uncomfortable? Why? It's the
answer to why that will be the most difficult to come up with, and
probably the most telling. We place a lot of our hopes and dreams in our
children. Much of that is good, but some of it may be a burden made up of
our own old baggage. Sorting it out can lighten everyone's load. ### Conflicting expectations cause many arguments and relationship
problems. Expectations are things we believe will occur or should occur or
based on our life experiences, culture, and our beliefs about how life is.
One common basis for relationship expectations is how the couple's parents
related. Couples often feel surprised about their conflicts over
relationship issues they thought they both agreed on because they never
examined their expectations together before they were married. Just
because you haven't done it before you were married doesn't mean you can't
do it now. Unexamined expectations cause many conflicts between couples.
In my studies and clinical experience I have found the same types of
conflicting expectations again and again. Let's look at some examples of
typical types of conflicting expectations based on numerous couples. Take for example typical newlyweds, Jaime and Diane. Jaime's mother was
the emotional one in the family. She nurtured the children, and got
nervous and worried when there was financial trouble. Jaime's father was
the calm, strong one. He calmed his wife and made light of their problems.
Yet when Jaime did that with his wife Diane, she became more upset,
feeling he didn't truly recognize how serious their problems were. He
learned by looking at his family roles that his mother was the one who
expressed emotions, and his father did not. He expected that he should be
like that with his wife and that would show he was a strong husband who
could handle her feelings. Diane came from a family in which everyone was
emotional. They expressed their feelings intensely. Diane expected that
Jaime would express emotion about things he cared about. She expected that
the more intensely he felt the more intense his expression of emotion
would be. Therefore, when Jaime acted quiet, strong, and calming as he
expected emotional women wanted, Diane became even more upset. As they
talked about their expectations about men and women and emotions, Jaime
and Diane realized they had been pulling in opposite directions. Diane
realized Jaime was trying to be strong for her when she was upset and that
he was not cold and uncaring as she had feared. Jaime realized his wife
was not neurotic as he had feared, but was just getting more emotional so
he would understand how important their problems were. He realized also
that she had felt alone in their problems even though he had been trying
to support her. Together they worked toward talking more about their
problems in a way that Diane could hear Jaime's concern and feel supported
even though Jaime might never be as emotional as her family was. Newlyweds Ruben and Anna had a major disagreement. Ruben expected that
his wife would cook and clean because his mother, a stay at home mother,
did all the cooking and cleaning. To him, part of being a wife might be
doing the cooking and cleaning. He sees this as how his wife expresses her
care for him. In his culture, that is how people understood a wife loved
her husband. On the other hand, Anna, whose grandparents were from the
same country as Ruben, had lived in the United States for years. Anna, was
very American. She was raised by a working single mother, and all the kids
pitched in with cooking and cleaning. So for her, working together as a
team was how people in a family express care for one another. She saw her
new husband asking what's for dinner every night and complaining about how
the house should be cleaner as self-centered and uncaring. A fight erupted
within a month over who was responsible for what and why. As they examined
their expectations, Ruben and Anna came to the conclusion that they had to
find a different way of doing things and looking at things that fit their
life together rather than their parents' experience. Both Ruben and Anna
worked. Both were tired. They decided to cook meals together on Saturday
mornings once a month that they would freeze and defrost during the month.
They also decided to use bagged salad rather than make it from scratch.
Twice a month Anna cooked Ruben a traditional meal that he enjoyed and
twice a month he chose among barbecuing, making a simple meal for them or
taking Anna out to a restaurant. Sometimes he ordered a Pizza. Anna didn't
mind those choices since Ruben was not a very good cook. Both found this
was a solution they could live with once they understood and adjusted
their expectations. Paul and Gwen are another typical couple. Paul was raised in a family
that was very close. He expected that when he got married that family life
would include a lot of contact with his family. The family got together
not only on holidays, but every Sunday for dinner. His family was also
used to just dropping by one another's homes. It felt warm and hospitable,
and no one in the family had any problem with it. In fact it felt nice to
be so informal with one another. Gwen on the other hand had no such
expectations. Her parents had moved to California from the east where
their families lived. They were very independent people. They loved each
other, but called a few times a month and got together only on holidays.
They considered it rude to just drop over without calling. Both Gwen's
parents had very busy careers and were often glad for time they got to
spend alone with each other. It was a special time for nourishing their
relationship. Gwen's mother often told Gwen how special it made her feel
to have her husband want to be alone with her. Gwen expected the same type
of relationship when she married. In fact she and Paul spent a good deal
of time alone together before they were married which she expected would
continue. When they got married, Gwen felt very intruded upon by Paul's
family. Paul felt proud of his family and thought Gwen would feel happy to
be in such a close family after growing up in a family that he considered
cold and detached. Gwen felt all their free time was taken up by Paul's
family and that they had no privacy. She didn't feel special to Paul at
all. After two months of living together, Gwen blew up. Paul was shocked
and hurt by what he saw as her rejection of his family. After examining
their expectations about their extended families, Gwen and Paul saw that
they had come to their marriage with totally different expectations about
boundaries with families and time alone. They worked out between them ways
of relating to both families that respected Paul's high value of time with
his family and Gwen's high value of time spent alone in their family unit.
It was a bit hard, especially on Paul's family who at first misunderstood
how Gwen felt about them, but eventually they all found a comfortable
balance between time spent with family and time spent alone. Paul's
parents even began occasionally having "special time" alone when
they asked the kids not to come over. Examining expectations can improve relationships and help a couple
understand their conflicts. Begin by each looking at how your parents
handled things like finances, in-laws, friends, socializing, housework,
sex, emotions, and spiritual commitments like church or synagogue. What
did you learn about your mother's responsibilities from this? What did you
learn about your father's responsibilities? What attitudes and
expectations did you develop as a result of growing up with your parents
or from your culture or life in general? Which do you accept and which do
you reject? How can you work together to understand your relationship
expectations? It doesn't matter how long you've been married; you can
improve your marriage by examining your expectations. ### Well, another summer finally draws to an end as our little ones (mine
grew 2 pant sizes!) return to the daily grind of school. At least I know I
am well prepared to face a new school year. Supplies, clothes, and
backpacks have been purchased and organized, new bike lock combinations
memorized, and a fridge full of lunchable goodies. Did I forget anything?
Nope! Time to relax at last! Or is it? Have you ever felt as if you are
going through school again for the 2nd time? This year let’s take an
honest look at our well-planned efforts, examine our pitfalls and learn to
experience success and, hopefully, more free time. School year re-visited: Every year most parents send their children
back to school fully loaded with shiny, new supplies hopeful that this
will be the year of low maintenance and successes. Then, almost
immediately, we are bombarded with school projects, homework wars, teacher
battles, daily routine breakdowns, carpool hell, need for more supplies,
cooler clothes, etc. By the end of each school day, we are more exhausted
than our children and counting days until the first school vacation! Suggestions: It is impossible to plan ahead for every hurdle our kids
will have to jump during the school year. One day at a time is a lot less
work and stress in the long run. Ask yourself, and your child, what the
priority is for today and concentrate on only that priority. try to let go
of the anticipation or worry about what is to come since it hasn’t
arrived yet! Establish a home routine at the beginning of the school year and modify
as needed. Consistent structure will reduce your stress and that of your
child. Set up a “spot” for your child to dump their backpack, books,
etc. every day when they come flying through the door. Make sure they
always put things in the “spot” before running off. This will help to
avoid the “I can’t find it” syndrome. Have a brief check-in period
to ask about their day and, most importantly, do they have everything they
need for homework. If not...back to school and do not pass go! (If you are
a working parent, this can be done via telephone check-in). Allow a
30-minute break after school for snack and rest but only at home...no
outside play yet. Then, begin homework. Give breaks after each completed
assignment for 5 minutes (or every hour at least). Allow no major
distractions during homework time (telephone, TV, loud music, visitors).
Set up a homework “spot” in your house with little distraction and
have all your child’s materials available there so they won’t have to
get up every 2 minutes to retrieve something. try to avoid sitting with
your child to do their homework. Instead, make yourself available, if
possible, for any help they might need or have them set aside problems
until you get home and move on to other assignments they can complete
independently. Once homework is completed, have your child check-in again
to let you know they are done (it helps to see the completed work and
praise them for their brilliance at this point). Have them put everything
back in their backpack ready for the next school day. Then, they are free
to go outside, watch TV, talk on the phone, etc. (establish a structured
routine for evening as well i.e., dinner, shower, 1 hour TV, bed, lights
out). While this routine sounds fairly basic, it is the lack of structure and
follow-up that causes most of our stress at home. Be firm, supportive, and
consistent. Your child will eventually fall into the routine and function
more independently. Set up transportation plans and always have a back-up plan in case you
need it. Meet your child’s teacher, or counselor, within the first few
weeks of school and establish a supportive relationship you can tap into
if needed. Tell them about your child’s strengths and weaknesses and
allow them to know you a bit. This speaks volumes about supportive
parenting and establishing a positive home/school relationship. Get to
know the office staff on a first name basis. They are the truly the
backbone of every school and can really help simplify school procedures
for you. Lastly, make sure you are consistent about taking your own down time in
the daily routine. Parents need to rest and relax daily in order to be
ready for tomorrow! Remember, take the school year one day at a time and
encourage your child to do the same ###
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